One Hell of a Show
by Cececat
Summary: The peculiar story of how the Rocky Horror Show came to be, written as a film script. FireandBloodandKittens co-wrote some scenes and edited it all. This is a work of Fiction based on the truth. It's a bit like Stanley Kubrick's "Spartacus" in that respect. No offense intended to the real people portrayed or to 'historians'. (PLEASE READ AND REVIEW!)
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: So, I've written a script. It's a fictionalized account of how _The Rocky Horror Show_ came to be. It definitely belongs to me. Trying to steal any of it would be cruel and disgusting and sort of pointless, so please don't. **

**I really miss writing RHPS fanfic, but I haven't had any ideas lately. It's a nightmare.**

* * *

 **Scene 1 (Prologue)** :

[THE SCREEN IS BLACK, ALL IS SILENT. AFTER A FEW MOMENTS THE NARRATOR'S VOICE IS ABRUPTLY HEARD]

Nar.: I would like, if I may, to take you on a strange journey.

Not too long ago, in a place not to far away, a telephone rang in the early hours of the morning…

AS HE SAYS, A TELEPHONE RINGS IN THE DARKNESS. THERE IS CLATTERING AND SOMEONE IS HEARD PICKING UP THE PHONE. THEN A LIGHT SWITCHES ON AND WE SEE WE'RE IN THE BEDROOM OF A TIRED MAN IN HIS 20S. HE'S HOLDING A PHONE TO HIS EAR AND HIS NAME IS JIM.

Jim: Hullo?

Richard [over phone]: Jim? It's Richard.

Jim: Why did you call me at this hour?

Richard [over phone]: I've got an idea for a musical, Jim.

Jim: Richard… did that really mean calling me now?

Richard [over phone]: it's only about midnight -

Jim: it's almost three AM.

Richard [over phone]: sorry, Jim. I'm just so excited about this.

Jim: I can see that.

Richard [over phone]: Let's meet for breakfast at that place across from Royal Court theater.

Jim: now?

Richard [over phone]: don't be silly. Tomorrow, sometime around nine.

Jim: great. Now let me get some sleep, Richard. I've actually got a job during the day.

Richard [over phone]: goodbye, then?

Jim: goodbye.

JIM HANGS UP THE PHONE AND FLOPS OVER ON THE BED, NOT BOTHERING TO TURN OUT THE LIGHTS

FADE TO BLACK.

* * *

 **Please Review!**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: here's the second scene. Hopefully it amuses people.**

* * *

 **Scene 2 (Meeting at the Diner)** :

Outside a diner, Richard stands awkwardly. He looks a bit nervous and very tired. Eventually a cab pulls up and Jim hops out.]

Jim: Hello, Richard. Have you got the script for this musical you mentioned at that ungodly hour last night?

Richard: Oh, in a way.

Jim: Do I want to know what that means?

Richard: I've got few songs written, plus some fragments of dialogue and a general plotline. I told you that I had an idea for it.

Jim: Yeah, you did. Though I was half-asleep at the time.

Richard: I'm sorry about that. I'm just a bit excited about this.

Jim: Shall we sit down and have a serious conversation, then?

RICHARD NODS AND THE TWO OF THEM ENTER THE DINER. A CHEERFUL, BLONDE WAITRESS SEATS THEM.

Waitress: what can I get you, sir?

Jim: Coffee, please.

Waitress: any milk or sugar?

Jim: no. Just bitter, cruel black coffee.

Richard: I kept him up late.

WAITRESS MISUNDERSTANDS THIS AND LOOKS UNCOMFORTABLE

Waitress: and you?

Richard: Coffee, bacon, and toast.

Waitress: right, boys… I'll be back with all of that in a moment.

SHE LEAVES

Richard: that girl looks a bit like the heroine of my play!

Jim: does she now?

Richard: it's the genericness. She's ordinary in a pretty sort of way. The only serious difference is that this bird is English as you or I, while my invention Janet is American through and through.

Jim: I'm from Australia and you're a New Zealander. The waitress is more English than either of us.

Richard: you know what I meant.

Jim: Fine.

Richard: Do you want to hear more?

Jim: about this musical?

Richard: yes. I've even written a song.

Jim: I didn't know you could write music!

Richard: I can't. I just played the tune on that guitar I have and sang the words. Some of it's on a tape, here.

HE GETS THE TAPE PLAYER OUT OF HIS JACKET POCKET.

Richard: Scared the whassits out of Kimi, all that loud music in our apartment when she got home from work.

JIM IS NOT HAPPY AT THE SIGHT OF THE TAPE PLAYER. IN FACT, HE DECIDES TO DISTRACT RICHARD BY CHANGING THE TOPIC.

Jim: Ah, Kimi. I always forget you have a wife. You just don't seem like the type of bloke who would be married.

Richard: Oh, that's not important. What I'm trying to tell you is that... perhaps I should explain the plot.

Jim: Good idea, Richard. I only know about one character so far.

Richard: and I've only thought of about four. First we've got the innocent, dazed American couple. They're called Brad and Janet.

Jim: sounds fine enough.

Richard: they're the good guys, the heroes. Our antagonist is a villainous transvestite from outer space.

Jim: what.

Richard: a villainous transvestite from outer space.

Jim: right. Now… what does this transvestite do to the Americans?

Richard: he seduces them. Then the girl goes on to seduce the transvestite's muscle-man sex slave.

IT'S AT THIS MOMENT THAT THE WAITRESS REAPPEARS. SHE NEARLY DROPS THE TRAY SHE'S CARRYING.

Jim: Don't worry, ma'am, he's an out of work actor from Guildford. You know how they are.

Waitress: here's the bill, loves - I don't want to be in your way any longer.

SHE FLEES

Richard: if the plot of my musical scares an ordinary waitress it will surely sell. Crazy sells, especially in this astounding day and age.

Jim: If we can get someone sexy to play the transvestite, I suppose it'll work. Maybe we can pull this off at one of those experimental theatres.

Richard: how much money do you think it will earn?

Jim: I don't know, to be honest. Why?

Richard: I'm an out of work actor with a wife and child to support.

Jim: you know, she's got a job.

Richard: this is London. It's expensive here.

Jim: Right. Well, writing a play isn't always the best way of earning money. A show's a gamble - especially one like this, it being so controversial. What are you calling it?

Richard: "They Came From Denton High".

Jim: Right.

Richard: Do you think you can find me a rehearsal space and a cast… or whatever it is we'll need?

Jim: I'll try, Richard. But it's going to be hard work.

Richard: I know, Jim.

* * *

 **PLEASE REVIEW!** I really need some feedback on this. Though please don't comment on historical accuracy. To make the story 'work' things have been fictionalized.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: I just finished reading _Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas_ (I spent much of the day reading it - I borrowed it from the library this morning).That book makes me depressed for some reason. It's just so awful and weird. To cheer myself up I'll reformat/post a few scenes...**

* * *

 **Scene 3 (Backstage Boys meet at the pub)** :

WE'RE IN A BUSY, CROWDED PUB ONE EVENING. LOTS OF WEIRD SHOWBIZ-TYPES ARE THERE DRINKING TO THEIR LATEST TRIUMPH OR EATING A NICE, GREASY BASKET OF FISH & CHIPS FOR NO SPECIFIC REASON.

BRIAN THOMSON AND RICHARD HARTLEY ARE SITTING AT A TABLE.

Narrator: and so, it seemed that fortune had smiled upon Richard. His friend had agreed to help him and - even better - soon introduced him to some potential Co-conspirators…

RICHARD AND JIM ENTER THE PUB, THEN WALK RIGHT TO WHERE THE OTHER TWO GUYS ARE SITTING.

Jim: Here's that self-proclaimed playwright I mentioned.

Brian: Richard O'Brien?

Richard: that's me.

Brian: good to meet you. My name's Brian Thomson, and this is Richard 'Ritz' Hartley.

Jim: (quietly) I'd forgotten about that.

Richard: what?

Jim: the fact that the composer-writer and the music arranger are both called 'Richard'. This might prove problematic.

Hartley: can't you just call me 'Ritz', then?

Richard: people already call me 'Ritz'.

Jim: right. I'm the director. That means you lot do as I say. So, when production starts, we'll start calling Richard Hartley by his surname and Richard O'Brien by his first name.

AWKWARD PAUSE

Hartley: it's my turn to pay for drinks. If only you two hadn't shown up, I would've been paying for just Brian and myself!

HE LEAVES THEM, WANDERING OVER TO THE BAR WHERE HE PROCEEDS TO HAVE A LENGTHY CONVERSATION WITH THE BARMAN AND EVENTUALLY ACQUIRE FOUR PINTS OF WHATEVER THEY ALL DRINK. MEANWHILE THE REST OF THE GUYS KEEP TALKING.

Richard: How strange he is.

Jim: looks who's talking… my dear New Zealander.

Richard: no sheep-fucking jokes, please! We need to get on with things.

Jim: I never-

Brian: so Richard wrote a script and songs? Can I see any of it?

Richard: I've got a tape.

HE TAKES THE CASSETTE PLAYER OUT OF HIS JACKET (?) POCKET. BEFORE JIM CAN STOP HIM, RICHARD PLAYS THE SONG. IT'S A VERY GOOD SONG, TO EVERYONE'S SURPRISE, AND IS MOST LIKELY THE 'TIME WARP'.

Jim: what song is that?

Richard: the one that parodies the concept of a dance craze.

Brian: I think the lyrics would make Americans uncomfortable. I hear they're all puritans.

BEFORE ANYONE ELSE CAN SAY ANY MORE ABOUT AMERICANS AND/OR PURITANS, HARTLEY RETURNS WITH DRINKS.

Brian: dear music arranger, you missed the music!

Hartley: is that bad?

Richard: no, it was very good.

Hartley: I think you mean 'yes, it was very good'.

Richard: did I?

Jim: play the tape again, Richard.

THE TAPE IS PLAYED AGAIN, EVERYONE LIKES IT.

Hartley: if all the songs are like that we might just have a hit on our hands.

Brian: What's this play about?

Richard: Jim didn't explain?

Jim: No. I didn't think they'd believe me.

Richard: Why wouldn't they?

Jim: Because… it's highly unusual.

Hartley: The song was peculiar enough. How much stranger could it be?

Jim: That's not a good question.

Richard: Should I explain the basic premise?

Brian: Please.

Richard: It's about an American couple that gets a flat tire at the castle of a mad transvestite from outer space. The transvestite forces them to watch the birth of his Boris Karloff-inspired muscleman. Then the Americans both have sex with the transvestite.

Brian: At the same time?

Richard: Don't be silly.

Brian: How much do I get for building the castle?

Jim: We have an extremely limited budget and therefore rather limited salaries. I don't think you'll get to build any castles. You'll need to think of something creative.

Richard: Will you do the job?

Brian: I've known Jim much longer than you have. The two of us worked together back in Australia. Not only do I trust his opinion, but we're old friends. So… yes, I'll do the job.

Hartley: I'm in, too. There really are too many rock n' roll musicals being written, Richard O'Brien, though this one is unique. Even if it means not being paid much it's better than the weird reggae stuff I used to do.

Richard: Wonderful!

HAPPILY, THE OTHERS NOD IN AGREEMENT.

* * *

 **Please Review! Does anyone have any favorite lines?**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: in this scene we 'meet' Fictional!Patricia Quinn.**

* * *

 **Scene 4 (Writing/Working)** :

MONTAGE OF THE FOUR GUYS WRITING/WORKING/ETC TO FURTHER THE PRODUCTION OF THIS PLAY. ON TOP OF THAT THE NARRATOR SPEAK...

Narrator: the day-dreamer of a playwright was making his dreams reality with the help of his little 'team'. Spaces were rented, crew members selected. Eventually, however, it was time for a brief break. This break came in the form of a Christmas party.

 **Scene 5 (Meeting Pat at a Holiday Party)** :

IT'S SOMETIME IN THE WINTER. NEAR CHRISTMAS. WE ARE AT A PARTY BEING HOSTED BY JIM. VARIOUS FUTURE TRANSYLVANIANS IN ATTENDANCE. ALSO THERE IS A WOMAN NAMED PATRICIA QUINN AND HER HUSBAND DON HAWKINS. PAT IS SMILING PRETTILY AND CHATTING WITH EVERYONE WHEN RICHARD ENTERS THE ROOM WITH JIM.

Richard: who's she?

Jim: The woman with the dark hair?

Richard: yes, the short one.

Jim: that's Pat Quinn. She's an actress who's just breaking into television and is currently playing Lady Macbeth.

Richard: she's beautiful.

Jim: I know, everyone thinks so. It's a shame she's married to the man standing beside her. They've got a son about a year older than your's. He's called Quinn, which I find a bit-

Richard: a son? Linus'age? We've already have something in common!

Jim: Richard, please don't do something awkward.

Richard: I think I'm in love.

Jim: With Pat? You haven't even spoken.

Richard: yes, but she's the most beautiful woman I've seen in a long time.

Jim: What about Kimi? You can't fall in love with Pat while you're still happily married to Kimi. Especially since she pays the bills.

Richard: I'll be in love with her in a very hands-off way.

Jim: that sounded disgusting, for some reason.

Richard: I meant I'll be secretly in love with her, leaving flowers in her dressing room or writing songs or something.

Jim: Cute. Should I go ask Don Hawkins what he thinks of that?

Richard: Who?

Jim: her husband. He's the bloke standing next to her with his arm around her waist.

Richard: oh.

TRANSITION TO ANOTHER SETTING, SORT OF. THE PARTY IS STILL GOING ON JUST AS BEFORE. RICHARD IS SITTING ON THE BALCONY OF THE APARTMENT BUILDING. HE'S PLAYING HIS GUITAR - POSSIBLY WORKING ON A SONG. THE TUNE SEEMS TO RESEMBLE THAT OF "SCIENCE FICTION/DOUBLE FEATURE".

SUDDENLY PAT WANDERS ONTO THE BALCONY.

Pat: what song is that?

Richard: Um… one I'm writing. It's for a musical I'm working on.

Pat: You're a playwright. How extraordinary! I'm an actress, you know.

Richard: Jim told me.

Pat: did he?

SHE SITS DOWN BESIDE RICHARD. HE'S A BIT UNCOMFORTABLE, EVEN THOUGH SHE'S NOT VERY CLOSE. SHE DOESN'T SEEM TO NOTICE.

Richard: Ms. Quinn -

Pat: Do call me 'Pat', like everyone else does.

Richard: Um, Pat…

Pat: Yes?

Richard: would you like to hear my song?

Pat: Of course!

HE PLAYS AND SINGS "SCIENCE FICTION/DOUBLE FEATURE". PAT IS MESMERISED BY IT.

Richard: in my play the 'odd' female character, Columbia, sings it. I think your voice would be more suited to it than mine.

Pat: I'm a dramatic actress, rather than a singer… though I really do like it.

Richard: Perhaps you would like to learn the words?

Pat: Do you have them written down?

RICHARD REACHES INTO HIS COAT POCKET AND EVENTUALLY FINDS THE LYRICS SCRIBBLED ONTO A BIT OF PAPER.

Richard: here.

HE HANDS HER THE PAPER, WHICH SHE IS VERY CAREFUL WITH.

Pat: do play the song again, Richard.

HE PLAYS THE SONG, AND SHE SINGS IT. THIS IS ALL VERY SWEET UNTIL JIM SHOWS UP. AT LEAST THE SONG IS MOSTLY OVER BY THEN. WHEN THE SONG IS FINALLY OVER JIM WALKS OVER TO THEM

Jim: Richard, what are the two of you doing?

Pat: he was showing me one of his songs, from that musical he's writing.

Jim: Oh. That's better than… some things.

* * *

 **Please Review!**

 **Tell me who you think should play these guys. I mean, who would you cast if it were a 'real' movie with an unlimited budget. If we could somehow get our hands on a Time Machine, a young David Bowie would totally be cast as Richard.  
**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: Now, Nell is in the story. Oh dear...**

 **This belongs to me, in case my readers have forgotten, and I am very paranoid about it getting stolen. Please do not steal this. I'm being very nice by letting everyone see it for free.**

* * *

 **Scene 6 (Finding/Casting Nell)** **:**

IT'S A BRIGHT, SUNNY AFTERNOON SOON AFTER CASTING CALL HAS BEEN OFFICIALLY 'RELEASED'(?). JIM AND RICHARD ARE TAKING A WALK AFTER LUNCH AT THE PUB.

Richard: the female servant - Columbia, we're calling her - she'll need to be a real character. Of course, she doesn't have that many things to say. I'm thinking we should cast a circus performer or a dancer of some kind. Someone with a frighteningly outstanding personality who will entertain with just her presence.

THEY'VE REACHED A SQUARE/INTERSECTION. ON THE NEAREST CORNER THERE'S NELL CAMPBELL, DANCING. AS RICHARD SPEAKS JIM SPOTS NELL.

Jim: [stops walking] I think we've found our girl.

Richard: [stops walking] where?

Jim: the girl that's standing on the corner, there! She's a fellow Aussie who works a variety of odd jobs. Since she's only 20-or-so it doesn't much matter much what she does. What was that you were saying about the female servant?

Richard: she doesn't have much to say.

Jim: not that. What else did you say?

Richard: that we should cast a dancer or circus performer.

Jim: 'circus performer'? 'Little' Nell Campbell, my friend, is like the bastard brain-child of a circus organizer and Ziggy Stardust. Too weird to live, too rare to die. She's the sort of person one doesn't expect to really exist. She's going to do very well as 'Columbia'.

Richard: should we go talk to her?

Jim: not yet. She's working… busking.

Narrator: our two fascinating protagonists waited, for a while, to recruit this eccentric creature… though not for too long. By the afternoon of that very day they'd gone to visit her more - Ah - official workplace.

LATER AT THE ICE-CREAM PARLOR. NELL IS DANCING, SINGING, AND BEING GENERALLY AWESOME WHILST SERVING SUNDAES. HALFWAY THROUGH AN ESPECIALLY FABULOUS PERFORMANCE, THE GUYS ENTER THE SHOP.

Richard: it's astounding… she's perfect.

Jim: boy she is.

Richard: can we talk to her?

Jim: afraid to talk to girls all of a sudden?

Richard: no. I don't want to interrupt her show.

Jim: we'll have to eventually. Wait til she gets back to the counter.

'NELL THE ICE-CREAM PARLOR PERFORMER' SERVES THE SUNDAES AND THEN RETURNS TO THE COUNTER.

Jim: hey, Nell!

SHE TURNS AROUND TO SEE THE GUYS. THEY WALK TOWARDS HER.

Nell: Mr. Sharman! Oh, it's been ages!

Jim: it has. Now… Nell… would you like to be in a play?

Nell: Which play, guv?

Richard: my play.

Nell: Oh… who are you?

Jim: Richard O'Brien, an out-of-work New Zealander actor and budding playwright. He likes b-movies, rock n' roll, and apparently extraterrestrial transvestites. Despite the last bit he's married to a nice lady named Kimi and madly in love with an ordinary woman named Pat. Though for all we know he could have a boyfriend lurking somewhere on Mars.

Richard: Jim is making things up, Nell.

Jim: you've given up dramatic affairs with 19-year-old boys from outer space?

Richard: I never did that. It would be illegal.

Nell: I don't mind it, if you did. I don't mind anybody.

Richard: even alien transvestites?

Nell: are they nice alien transvestites?

Richard: probably.

Jim: they're his characters. But don't worry, you'll just be a groupie.

Nell: A groupie?

Richard: the devoted fangirl of the evil alien transvestite. The role requires someone very unique, someone who isn't phased by strangeness. He thought that sounded like you.

Jim: will you do it?

Nell: yes!

Narrator: and so, they'd cast one character. Though there were many more left…

* * *

 **Please Review!**

 **Yes, I made Nell call Jim 'guv' all the time. It's supposed to make the audience find her endearing. Remember, this is meant to be a screenplay for a relatively mainstream movie that appeals to normal/boring people. The female sidekick needs some 'cute' quirks.**


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: here are some 'audition scenes'. Hopefully they're interesting.**

* * *

 **Scene (Chris' Audition):**

GUYS ARE SITTING AROUND WAITING IN THE AUDITION ROOM. CHRISTOPHER MALCOLM ENTERS.

Chris: I'm Christopher Malcolm. I'll be auditioning for the role of, um, Brad Majors.

Hartley: song?

Chris: I'll sing "Love Me Do" by the Beatles.

Richard: Good choice for Brad.

CHRIS SINGS, IT SEEMS TO GO OVER WELL. HIS VOICE ISN'T THE GREATEST.

Jim: Thank you. [Louder] Next, please.

CHRIS LEAVES, BRINGING IN THE NEXT AUDITIONEE…

 **Scene (Belinda Sinclair ['decoy'] auditions):**

GUYS ARE SITTING AROUND WAITING IN THE AUDITION ROOM. BELINDA SINCLAIR ENTERS.

Richard: you're here for the role of Janet?

Belinda: yes. I've got the right look, haven't I?

Jim: yes

Hartley: do you have something to sing for us?

Belinda: "I'll be your mirror" by the Velvet Underground.

SHE SINGS HER SONG.

Jim: Right. We'll get back to you if you're in.

SHE LEAVES, NERVOUSLY.

Hartley: I think you scared her off.

Jim: did not. And speaking of people getting scared off, she looks like a waitress Richard frightened with his talk of alien transvestites and the like.

Richard: that's how I know she isn't the waitress - her lack of uncomfortableness. Do you think we'll cast her?

Jim: maybe. Though a lot more people might audition in the next few days...

* * *

 **Please Review!**

 **I know you're reading this... don't you want to jokingly suggest actors or something like that? I think a young David Bowie should play, but we don't have a time machine. Maybe Billie Piper as Belinda/Waitress?**

 **Does anyone else have much interest in the Original London Cast or other RHS-history things?**


	7. Chapter 7

**[Dis?]Claimer: this belongs to me and, to some extent, FireandBloodandKittens. The people in it are public figures and therefore public domain. **

**A/N: here's a belated 'thank you' to Morticia Frump Addams and VengeanceFoREVer \- two people kind enough to favorite this. And to FireandBloodandKittens for editing. I might've mentioned her before. **

* * *

**Scene (Running into Tim)** :

IT'S THE AUDITIONERS' LUNCH BREAK. RICHARD IS WALKING TOWARDS A GYM WITH GREAT DETERMINATION. BEFORE HE CAN OPEN THE DOOR SOMEONE ON THE OTHER SIDE DOES AND THE TWO MEN SLAM INTO EACH OTHER. THE OTHER MAN IS TIM CURRY.

Richard: I'm sorry, Mr-

Tim: Uh, my name's Curry. Tim Curry.

Richard: And I'm Richard O'Brien.

Tim: Richard O'Brien, eh? I was in the musical "Hair" with a guy named Richard O'Brien...

Richard: That was probably me.

Tim: Good to see you, Richard! How are you?

Richard: Well. You?

Tim: The same.

NERVOUS PAUSE

Richard: are there any muscle men, in that gym, who sing?

Tim: What?

Richard: I need a singing muscle man for a play I've written.

Tim: That sounds... interesting.

Richard: it really is. I'm very excited about it - perhaps you should try out, Tim! We're auditioning people right now.

Tim: I'll ask my agent. What's it called?

Richard: "They Came From Denton High". Though that might change, I've been thinking about changing the name to Rocky Hor-

Tim: Sounds groovy. Now, I've got to go... goodbye.

Richard: Goodbye, Tim. I hope I'll see you at the auditions.

* * *

 **Please Review!**

 **Who likes the idea of Tim saying 'sounds groovy' a lot? He doesn't say it too often in the current draft, but I may change some stuff.**


	8. Chapter 8

**[Dis?]Claimer: this belongs to me and, to some extent, FireandBloodandKittens. The people in it are public figures and therefore public domain.**

 **A/N: I have heard stories about this 'role-splitting' thing here and there, and I have no idea if any of it's true. Also... does anyone know who** **Marianne Faithful is? I got the name from some sort of behind the scenes RHPS book I was reading.**

 **WARNING: there's some swearing here. Not as bad as you'd hear at a midnight screening, but it's still swearing.**

* * *

 **Scene ?** :

THE BACKSTAGE GUYS AND NELL ARE SITTING IN THE REHEARSAL ROOM, LOOKING OVER THE SCRIPT. ALL ARE CHATTING CHEERFULLY ABOUT THE SCRIPT, OR WHO SHOULD BE CAST. SUDDENLY A TELEPHONE RINGS. JIM PICKS IT UP.

Jim:

Hello?

Nell: who is it?

Jim: [doesn't hear her] shit, are you serious? [pause]. That Bitch! Well, tell her- [pause]. They hung up.

Nell: oh, no, what's wrong?

Jim: she quit. We fucking wrote her a character and she turned it down!

Nell: who?

Richard: Jim made me write a role for Marianne Faithful. Apparently she expressed interest in the show. That was a mere rumor, but I still split your role in half at his command.

Jim: now we've got another character that we need to have auditions for.

Richard: she'll be the one singing Science Fiction/Double Feature. I think I know who'll really like that.

BEFORE ANYONE CAN STOP HIM, HE CALLS SOMEONE ON THE PHONE.

Don [on phone]: hello?

Richard: hello, this is Richard O'Brien speaking. Is this Pat Quinn's number?

Don [on phone]: I'm her husband Don Hawkins. What do you want?

Richard: I'm working on a play soon premiering at the Royal Court Theater and I wanted to notify Pat that there's a role she'd like. It's the character that sings Science Fiction/Double Feature.

Don [on Phone]: what's that?

Richard: A song she likes.

Don [on phone]: oh. Well… I'll mention it to her.

Richard: Please do. Goodbye.

Don [on phone]: Goodbye.

RICHARD HANGS UP THE PHONE.

Nell: you really split my role in half and didn't warn me?

Richard: yes. I told you, Jim made me!

* * *

 **Please Review, or something. I'm posting this script so that other fans can look at it and tell me what they think, or have fun with 'hypothetical casting'. Who would be the coolest director for it?**


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: Yes, I know _Don't Cry For Me Argentina_ wasn't written for another three years or so. The real Julie Covington semi-famously sang it and I wanted to reference this fact. **

**Before anyone asks, Pat's song is historically correct. That's actually what she sang. It's the same with Tim's scene. I don't know what Jonathan Adams sang but the Lumberjack Song was first performed circa 1969... so this scene is technically possible.**

* * *

 **Scene (Pat's Audition)** :

THE BACKSTAGE BOYS ARE STANDING AROUND THE PIANO IN THE AUDITION ROOM. THEN, PAT ENTERS.

Jim: hello.

Pat: hello, everyone. My name is Patricia Quinn and I'll be auditioning for the role that sings the Science Fiction song.

SHE HANDS THEM HER RESUME.

Richard: I think you mean Magenta.

Hartley: have you got a song for us, love?

Pat: yes. I'll be singing 'Over My Shoulder'. You know, the one Jessie Matthews used to sing.

Jim: right.

Hartley: Do you have the sheet music?

Pat: No… The piano throws me off.

Hartley: Oh. Well, go on…

PAT SINGS HER SONG, RICHARD SEEMS TO REALLY LIKE THIS. THE OTHERS ARE SORT OF TIRED AND JUST WATCH.

Hartley: that was nice.

Jim: we'll give you a call if it was nice enough, Now, please show in the next person.

SHE DOES AS TOLD, VERY PROFESSIONALLY AND CAREFULLY.

 **Scene (Julie's Audition):**

Auditions room. Usual suspects sitting around. Enter Julie Covington.

Julie: hello, my name is Julie Covington. I'm auditioning for the role of Janet Weiss.

Hartley: song?

Julie: I'll be singing the Andrew Lloyd Webber Number "Don't Cry For Me Argentina".

Hartley: I don't know that one. Which show is it from?

Julie: well, he's planning a play about the life of Eva Peron. Currently it's just a concept album.

Jim: right.

Hartley: go on, then.

JULIE SINGS. BY THE END EVERYONE HAS TEARS IN THEIR EYES, NEARLY. SHE'S ASTOUNDING.

Jim: very good! [pause] Run along now.

SMILING A BIT, JULIE LEAVES.

Richard: "Very good"? Usually I'm the one saying things like that.

Jim: usually I'm not so impressed.

* * *

Scene (Jonathan Adam Auditions):

AUDITION ROOM. BACKSTAGE BOYS ALL SITTING AROUND, WAITING. JONATHAN ADAMS ENTERS WEARING COOL SUNGLASSES.

Adams: my name is Jonathan Adams and I am auditioning for the role of the narrator.

Jim: right.

Adams: I have prepared a song.

Hartley: what's the song?

Adams: oh, just a comedic song. [Overly sorrowful] Not that I wanted to be a comedian. No, no… how foolish such a life is! I really wanted to be a Lumberjack.

SINGS AND DANCES THE SONG. THE GUYS REALLY GET A KICK OUT OF IT, EVEN JIM.

Jim: that was great.

SCENE ENDS WITH ADAMS WINKING AT THE AUDIENCE, WITH A CLEVER SMILE.

Scene (Ray's audition):

THE BACKSTAGE BOYS ARE IN THE AUDITION ROOM. RAY BOURTON ENTERS.

Ray: hey, guys… I'm Rayner Bourton and I'll be auditioning for the role of Frank.

Jim: no, you're playing Rocky.

Ray: huh?

Richard: he's not a muscleman. Rocky must be a muscleman, Jim.

Jim: don't you understand how hard it is to find a muscleman who can sing and act?

Richard: he's too glam. Look - he's got nearly the same haircut as Brian Connolly.

Jim: so? Rocky is very glittery and vane, alibi in an innocent way. Mr. Bourton is the best we've seen so far.

Hartley: have you got a song for us?

Ray: uh, no.

Jim: [to Richard] we've found our Rocky!

* * *

 **Scene (Tim Curry's Audition** ):

(Guys are standing around. Enter Tim)

Richard: Tim. You came! Er, but not like that.

Tim: yes.

Richard: this is Tim curry. He's auditioning for the character Frank.

Tim: I am. I'll be singing "Tutti Frutti" by Little Richard.

Jim: right.

(Tim sings. It goes over well enough.)

Jim: right. We'll call you back if you made it.

Tim: groovy.

[he leaves]

Jim: Richard? Do I want to know why you're so keen on him?

* * *

 **Please Review!**

 **Does anyone have a favorite line?**


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: more weird stuff happens here. I hope people are enjoying this...**

* * *

 **Scene (Nell and the Backstage Boys work on casting):**

THE BACKSTAGE BOYS ARE SITTING IN JIM'S OFFICE. EVERYONE'S GOT A BOTTLE OF SOMETHING TO DRINK, SAVE FOR NELL WHO IS AT LEAST SMOKING. SHE'S ALSO GOT HER FEET PROPPED UP ON THE TABLE ALL DRAMATIC (NOBODY CARES BECAUSE THEY GET A NICE VIEW OF HER LEGS). JIM IS HOLDING A STACK OF PAPERS - COPIES OF THE CAST LIST.

Jim: so… we've got quite a collection of resumes here. I've gone over all of them, with the help of Hartley and Richard. Now all I need to do is notify the ones that got a part.

BRIEF AWKWARD SILENCE.

Nell: do I get to help?

Jim: sure. Anyway, here's the list.

HE HANDS EVERYONE A PIECE OF PAPER, THEN READS IT OUT LOUD.

Jim: Frank is Tim Curry, the Narrator is Jonathan Adams, Riff Raff is Richard O'Brien -

Richard: I was going to be Eddie, the motorcyclist in the Coca-Cola cooler.

Jim: I'm the director and I say you should play Riff Raff. You're too old, too freaky for Eddie. Riff is the perfect role for you, my bald weirdo of a friend. Remember when you were a Space Freak? What a part!

Richard: [pettily] fine.

Nell: keep reading, Jim!

Jim: Brad Majors is Chris Malcolm, Janet Weiss is Julie Covington-

Hartley: she's the one who sang the Lloyd Webber song?

Jim: yes.

Richard: I thought we'd be casting the waitress look-a-like?

Hartley: Miss Covington has an amazing voice. I didn't want to pass up the opportunity to work with her and Jim agreed.

Jim: I did. Now, moving on. Rocky is Rayner Bourton, Magenta is Patricia Quinn-

Richard: thank you.

Jim: we know you're mad for her, please stop grinning like an idiot.

Richard: I'm not!

Jim: anyway! Eddie is Paddy O'Hagan…

Nell: and I'm Columbia.

Jim: that's right. Any questions?

Brian: what's Patricia Quinn's relationship status?

JIM SIGHS DRAMATICALLY. EVERYONE ELSE THEN BURSTS OUT LAUGHING.

* * *

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 **...and, if possible, tell your RHPS friends. I want this script to me actually produced and if lots of fans know/talk about it there's more of a chance.**


	11. Chapter 11

**Scene (Pat officially gets the job** ):

LIVING ROOM, HAWKINS HOUSEHOLD. THE ROOM IS EMPTY UNTIL A PHONE RINGS. IN WALKS PAT, CARRYING HER TODDLER SON QUINN. SHE PICKS UP THE PHONE, CAUTIOUSLY.

Pat: hello?

Richard [on phone]: you've been cast as Magenta.

Pat: Who is this?

Richard [on phone]: Richard O'Brien, the show's writer. who else would it be?

Pat: I'm not sure. So I get to sing that song, don't I? Oh, how exciting! My agent warned me not to audition simply because I liked the song. He said the role of Magenta might only have a few lines.

Richard [on phone, lying]: it might. I'm not sure, since we're still working on the script.

Pat: oh. Well, if my role isn't too big, that's... fine. It's all about the song anyway.

SHE HANGS UP THE PHONE.

Pat: [to Quinn] Mummy's got the job she wanted!

DON IS HOME FROM WORK AND WALKS INTO THE ROOM, HAVING HEARD PAT'S VOICE.

Don: what's got you so happy?

Pat: I've got the job I wanted!

Don: the one your agent warned against?

Pat: well, yes. But it's also the one with that marvelous song.

Don: oh dear… you're really going to be in some sort of fringe-theater circus?

Pat: don't worry, dear, it'll be fine. It may be a strange script but it's not a circus. And that song I'll sing is wonderfully. It's so versatile despite the sci-fi lyrics. Why, I can even sing it to Quinn as a lullaby!

Don: all you care about is that song. This role is strange, Pat, and it could really hurt your career. You know I don't want that to happen.

Pat: I'm still quite young and I've already got a decent resume. Every role in the business is a gamble and I'll take my chances if it means being the first to perform 'Science Fiction/Double Feature'.

Don: how many lines do you have?

Pat: I'm not sure yet. Probably quite a few.

Don: it could be four. You might spend most of the show standing around doing nothing.

Pat: oh, let me have a bit of fun!It's just a little piece of experimental theatre. I'll sing this marvelous song for a few weeks, have a bit of fun and that will be the end of it.

Don: I'm just worried, Pat.

Pat: please don't be.

THE PREVIOUSLY-SILENT TODDLER QUINN SAYS SOMETHING HARD TO UNDERSTAND. LITTLE KIDS HAVE WEIRD WAYS OF TALKING. HE MEANS 'SING THE SONG, MUM'.

Pat: see, even Quinn likes the idea of mummy being in the play!

Don: my own son has turned against me.

* * *

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	12. Chapter 12

**A/N: So... I've decided to start uploading scenes of this again. I'm sorry I stopped!**

* * *

 **Scene (sometime soon before rehearsals start, some people go to lunch)** :

[The pub, one crowded afternoon. Jim, Richard, Nell, and Pat enter. They walk over to a table that they usually sit at.]

Pat: who's buying the first round?

Jim: ladies first.

Richard: no, Jim will pay. He's the director.

Jim: Mike should pay since he's the producer.

Richard: Mike's not here.

Jim: right. The usual... Pat, Richard?

THEY NOD, OR OTHERWISE NONVERBALLY ANSWER IN THE POSITIVE.

Pat: don't forget Nell.

Jim: what's your favorite drink?

Nell: an ice-cream soda.

Jim: right.

WALKS AWAY, LEAVING PAT AND NELL LAUGHING.

Richard: that's really her favorite?

Nell: yeah. I don't go out to drink much.

Pat: you're such a funny little thing, Nell dear. There's just something so innocent about you.

Nell: yeah? Wait until you see me perform in the show. You sure won't call me innocent then!

PAT HUGS NELL A BIT, THEY BOTH LAUGH. THEY SIT VERY CLOSE IN THE WAY TWO SISTERS MIGHT, ALL CHEERFULLY. RICHARD FEELS AWKWARD AND IS OVERJOYED WHEN JIM RETURNS TO THE TABLE.

Jim: three normal drinks and an ice cream soda.

HE SETS THE DRINKS DOWN AND SITS AT THE TABLE.

Pat: doesn't that ice-cream look lovely!

Nell: want some?

Pat: maybe. Though I doubt it'll tasted good with this [hold up glass].

Richard [to Jim]: I'm not used to girls acting like this - so close. Do they behave as such when they forget we're watching?

Jim [to Richard]: probably.

Richard [to Jim]: I wonder what it's like to be one of them for a few hours. If I knew that maybe I would write about them better.

Jim [to Richard]: no you wouldn't. It probably takes a lifetime of having a bust to understand the way one of those brains works. Not that we need to know how their brains work. They might be plotting to make earth a giant matriarchy ruled by trouser-clad Marlene Dietrich, or something equally terrible. An actual scientist once said something like that.

Nell: we can hear everything you're saying, guv.

Pat: it's alright, though. It's extraordinary what an imagination you have.

* * *

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	13. Random Notes

**If this became a big-budget thing we'd totally cast** :

Jim: John Simm ( _Doctor Who_ )

Richard:

Pat: Claire Foy ( _The Crown,_ Terry Pratchett's _Going Postal_ )

Nell:

Don: David Tennant ( _Doctor Who_ , _Harry Potter_ 4)

Tim:

Hartley: Marshall Lanchester ( _Life on Mars_ )

Brian: Arthur Darvill ( _Doctor Who_ )

Julie: Sophie McShera _(Downton Abbey_ )

Belinda/Waitress: Laura Carmichael ( _Downton Abbey_ )

Chris: John Barrymore ( _Torchwood_ )

Jonathan Adams/Narrator: Anthony Stewart Head ( _Buffy_ ), Barry Bostwick (RHPS)

Paddy: Allen Leach ( _Downton Abbey_ )

Sue Blane: Liz White ( _Life on Mars_ )

Ray: the guy who played angsty teenaged Darth Vader

 **Any other ideas? I have a very limited knowledge of not-yet-dead/young actors. (This is all 'for fun' since it's highly unlikely a serious studio will greenlight [?] this).**

* * *

 **Other Notes** :

The Sweet appeared on "Top of the Pops" 5/4/1973. Ray totally looks like one of them. [cite: IMDb, various photos]

Sharman and Brian Thomson did _Shirley Thompson vs. the Aliens_ circa 1971 in Aus. [cite: Brian Thomson interview 1979; IMDb]

Sue and Tim worked together on a pre-Rocky (1970) production of _The Maids_ (Jean Genet) in Glasgow. [cite: Sue Blane/Patricia Morrison interview 1979]

Show previews: 6/16, 6/18.

Show opened: 6/19

Christopher Malcolm played 'Rebel Force Zev (Rogue 2) in _Empire Strikes Back_ (1980)! He also worked for the Rocky Horror Company for many years. That's nearly as cool as being in _Star_ freakin' _Wars_.

Quinn Hawkins born ?/?/1971

Pat Quinn born 5/28/1944

Don Hawkins born ?/?/1943

Richard O'Brien born 3/25/1942

Tim Curry born 4/19/1946

Little Nell born 5/24/1953

Jonathan Adams born 2/14/1931

Chris Malcolm born 8/19/1946, died 2/15/2014

Linus O'Brien born ?/?/1972


	14. Chapter 14

**Scene (First Read-Through)** :

EVERYONE IS GATHERED 'ROUND IN A CIRCLE OF CHAIRS. ORDER (PROBABLY) AS DESCRIBED IN ROCKY'S BOOK. THERE'S A SORT OF NERVOUSNESS SINCE SOME PEOPLE DON'T KNOW EACH OTHER.

Jim: so… time for introductions. The man with the guitar is writer-composer Richard O'Brien, the solemn architect here is Brian Thomson the set designer, the one with the strange curly hair is Richard Hartley - who we'll call Hartley - the music arranger. The actors are Little Nell, Tim Curry, Patricia Quinn, Rayner Bourton, Paddy O'Hagan, Julie Covington, Christopher Malcolm, and Jonathan Adams.

EVERYONE IS QUIET IN A NERVOUS, AWKWARD SORT OF WAY. EVENTUALLY JIM CLEARS HIS THROAT.

Jim: everyone, we're a team. We will need to work together and hopefully end up feeling like the closest of friends. This isn't some polite Lloyd Webber fare your dear old mum would go see. There are numerous scenes of onstage simulated sex, one of which is between Mr. Curry and Mr. Malcolm. Our show will not work out if you're not totally committed to it. Nobody's getting paid much and everyone has be fine with that. We've got to be a family, or ever closer, for this to work. No stupid arguments or petty complaints. Alright?

STILL MORE SILENCE.

Jim: get your scripts out, everyone. Time to read.

LOTS OF SCRAMBLING AROUND AS EVERYONE GETS THEIR SCRIPTS READY.

Jim: Richard? If you will…

Richard: do you want me to play the first song?

Jim: well, yes.

RICHARD PLAYS THE SONG. PAT CAN BE SEEN MOUTHING ALONG WITH STRANGE JOY. SHE REALLY LIKES THAT SONG! WHEN THE SONG IS OVER, JIM QUICKLY BEGINS TO SPEAK AGAIN.

Jim: right. Time for scene 1. Julie…? Chris…?

Chris: (as Brad) yes. Frank's a lucky guy.

Julie: ah, I think I'm

supposed to start.

Chris: dammit. I'm sorry, Julie.

Julie: it's fine. (as Janet) Oh! Wasn't it lovely? Didn't Betty look so beautiful. I cannot believe it. Just an hour ago she was plain old Betty Munroe and now… now she's Mrs. Frank Hapschatt!

Chris: (as Brad) yes, Frank's a lucky guy.

Julie: (as Janet) yes.

Jim: I think we should change 'Frank' to 'Ralf'.

Julie: why?

Tim: to avoid confusion with that sweet transvestite I'm playing. He's also called Frank and has nothing to do with Mr. Hapschatt.

Jim: precisely what I was thinking. Let's start from the top of this scene

THE ACTORS GIVE EACH OTHER A WEARY LOOK THAT CLEARLY SAYS "WE'VE GOT ONE HELL OF A ROAD AHEAD OF US".

* * *

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	15. Chapter 15

**A/N: This scene is very short, I'm sorry to say.**

* * *

 **Scene (** **just before** **first musical rehearsal)** :

IT'S A LUNCH BREAK. EVERYONE SEEMS PRETTY RELAXED AND THEY'RE ALL EATING SANDWICHES OR WHATEVER. PAT, HOWEVER, IS LOOKING ANXIOUSLY AT HER SCRIPT.

Richard: what is it?

Pat: (mournfully) I've only got four lines. My agent was right!

Jim: if it really bothers you we could fire you.

Pat: (as if trying to convince herself) as long as I get to sing Science Fiction/Double Feature I'm fine.

Hartley: speaking of which, we'll be going over the music in just a few minutes.

* * *

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	16. Chapter 16

**A/N: This scene is quite an amusing one...**

* * *

 **Scene (Hiring Sue)** :

EVERYONE IS IN THE REHEARSAL ROOM WORKING. VARIOUS ACTORS ARE GOING OVER SCRIPTS WHILE BRIAN SKETCHES IDEAS FOR SCENERY. JIM IS STANDING IN THE CORNER LOOKING WORRIED, WHILE RICHARD SORTS THROUGH SHEET MUSIC BESIDE HIM.

Jim [to Richard]: we still don't have a costume designer. Any ideas?

Richard: Tim mentioned Sue Blane. She sounds like a good choice - apparently she made the corset he wore in _The Maids_.

Jim: Mike already talked to her.

Richard: and?

Jim: she told him she didn't want to "design a lot of drag costumes for no money".

Richard: you should talk to her personally.

BEFORE HE CAN BE STOPPED, RICHARD CALLS SUE ON THE OFFICE PHONE.

Jim: what are you doing?

Richard: calling Sue Blane for you.

Sue [over the phone]: hello?

CUT TO THE PUB. JIM IS SITS AT THE BAR, LOOKING NERVOUS. SOON ENOUGH SUE ENTERS. SHE WALKS OVER TO JIM AND HE STANDS UP TO GREET HER.

Sue: Jim Sharman?

Jim: that's right. You're Sue Blane, the costume designer?

Sue: yes.

AWKWARD PAUSE, IN WHICH THEY BOTH SIT DOWN.

Sue: Michael White wants me to help with this show he's producing. I told him I didn't want to just do a few drag outfits.

Jim: well, it's more than just a few drag outfits. We need some serious creativity. Please?

Sue: not at the salary you're offering.

[Bartender notices them]

Bartender: what would you two like to drink?

Jim: two pints of the usual.

BARTENDER NODS, SERVES THEM. JIM QUICKLY DOWNS THE DRINK AND IS SERVED ANOTHER.

Sue: how soon do you need the costumes?

Jim: soon. Our first preview is on the 16th.

Sue: hmm. [drinks some of her drink] Can you give me any more background on this… thing?

Jim: Richard is better at explaining it than I am. It's his play, technically.

Sue: Richard's not here to convince me - you are.

Jim: fine. It starts with American couple, Brad and Janet, getting engaged as they're leaving a wedding.

Sue: hmm.

THEN, SHE TAKES A NOTEBOOK OUT OF HER PURSE AND SKETCHES SOME DESIGNS.

Jim: They set off to visit a friend and tell him about their engagement but , the two of them end up at a castle owned by a mad scientist.

Sue: wow.

SHE KEEPS SKETCHING AMERICAN CLOTHES, THOUGH SORT OF LAZILY AS IF SHE'S NOT TAKING THINGS SERIOUSLY. BY THIS TIME THEY'VE BOTH FINISHED THEIR DRINKS. THEY'RE SERVED ANOTHER TWO PINTS.

Sue: what happens at the castle?

Jim: they meet a transvestite.

Sue: that's the drag I'm supposed to be designing, yes?

BOTH LAUGH, ALREADY A BIT TIPSY.

Jim: Oh, there's more.

Sue: More?

Jim: yes, yes. [to bartender] Two bourbons, please. Neat. [points to a bottle behind the bartender]

[The bartender does as he's told, leaving the bottle on the bar.]

Jim: [drinks the shot] the transvestite takes 'em to meet his… creation. He's built a creature that's a muscleman.

Sue: a muscleman?

Jim: yeah, a sexy one. Ray Bourton plays 'im - he looks like wossname, from 'The Sweet'.

Sue: 'the sweet'?

Jim: a band… they were on "Top of the Pops" not too long ago. [gestures for Sue to drink her whiskey] You'll be wantin' that. [He pours himself another from the bottle and downs it] What I want to say is that you've gotta make clothes for him, shouldn't be too hard, don't reckon he wears much... an' the transvestite… an' the teenage groupie...an' the alien servants. [He starts laughing to himself] If Richard has his way none of 'em will be wearing too much. [he shakes his head and downs another shot] You've gotta make clothes for the whole lot of 'em... they're funny… you've gotta meet them.

Sue: [looking positively alarmed] have I? Have I really?

Jim: yeah.

Sue: now?

Jim: yes!

AFTER GIVING THE BARTENDER THE CONTENTS OF JIM'S COAT POCKET - MOSTLY SPARE CHANGE - THE TWO LEAVE. THE HALF-FULL BOTTLE GOES WITH THEM. ALL THE OTHER PATRONS ARE STARING, AMUSED, AT THIS POINT.

Bartender: there's no biz quite like showbiz, is there?

* * *

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	17. Chapter 17

**A/N: This scene is pretty bizarre. It doesn't do much for the plot... hopefully it's funny.  
**

* * *

 **Scene (sex-scenes rehearsals):**

Chris, Julie, Tim, Brian, and Jim are standing in the rehearsal room. Jim is looking very bossy, glaring slightly at the others.

Jim: time to rehearse the awkward scenes. Tim is going to pretend to be Chris while lying on top of Julie. After some interesting dialogue and pelvic thrusting Tim will go pretend to be Julie while lying on top of Chris. Any questions?

Julie: will the audience, um, directly see this...?

Brian: we're thinking about doing it behind a curtain, rather like shadow puppets.

Chris: well, that'll make things easier.

Tim: [under his breath] this will really be one hell of a show!

Jim: so, Julie. Lie down on these pillows, here, and start worrying about Brad. You're at the castle for the night and he's been led to another room.

Julie: [as Janet] oh dear…

Jim: now… Tim. Sink into the persona of the alien transvestite. Janet here is so very innocent and the dramatic seduction of such a person would really be fun for you. So you enter the room...

TIM, AS FRANK, WALKS OVER TO THE 'BED' VERY SLOWLY AND METHODICALLY.

Jim: wait - stop, Tim - this approach is too disturbing. Let's start the scene with you already in bed together.

AWKWARDLY, THE TWO LIE DOWN NEXT TO EACH OTHER. THEY'RE NOT VERY COMFORTABLE.

Jim: right. Now, do you remember your lines?

Julie: yes, sir. [ as Janet] oh Brad - yeessss - mmm, yes my darling - oh, what if...

Tim: [as Frank, imitating Brad]: It's all right Janet - everything's going to be alright.

Chris: [to Jim] do I talk like that?

Brian: [to Chris] sort of.

Julie: [as Janet] Oh, I hope so darling. I'm-

Brian: [looking at script] uh, the light's brighten and you see him.

Chris: [to Brian, jokingly] it's a trap!

Julie: [as Janet] you!

Tim: [as Frank] 'fraid so, Janet, but wasn't it nice?

Julie: [as Janet] beast! Monster! What have you done to darling Brad?

Tim: [as Frank] mmm. Nothing, not yet.

Brian: [to Chris] you're next, kiddo.

Julie: [as Janet] You tricked me - I've never - never…

Tim: [as Frank] I know - but it wasn't all bad was it? Not really so bad - in fact, I think perhaps you found it quite pleasurable.

Tim proceeds to attack her with ravishing kisses, while Chris and Brian try not to laugh.

Julie: [as Janet] Ahh - no - stop - I mean _help_ \- I - Brad - Ohhhh... Brad.

Tim: [as Frank] Shhh. Brad's probably asleep - do you want him to see you now?

Chris: [jokingly, to Brian] I can see her already...

Brian: [jokingly, to Chris] and I sure enjoy the view.

Julie: [as Janet] It's your fault. I was saving myself.

Tim: [as Frank] Well I'm sure you're not spent yet - it was an enjoyable experience, was it not?

Brian: [jokingly, to Chris] I bet it was.

Chris: [jokingly, to Brian] but for who?

Brian: [jokingly, to Chris] for both me and you.

Jim: [to Brian and Chris] please stop that, the both of you. It's creepy.

AFTER A MOMENT OF AWKWARD SILENCE, EVERYONE JUST STARTS LAUGHING!

* * *

 **A/N: I was looking at the 'stats' thing for this story. Apparently one person from the UK clicked 12 different chapters. Every time it says something like that on one of the chapters I think "it's Patricia Quinn" because once, according to a couple friends, she might've binge-read some of my work. Though I don't think it is this time. I sent her the whole thing as a PDF through Facebook message... ages ago. I kinda hate myself for it. She'd responded to two messages I'd sent earlier and a third would be too good to be true.**

 **Please Review!**


	18. Chapter 18

**A/N: this scene was based on a little story I'd heard numerous times even before research for this script began.**

* * *

 **Scene (first/failed attempt at the Time Warp)** :

EVERYONE IS IN THE REHEARSAL ROOM. THE ACTORS ARE STANDING IN A LINE LOOKING AWKWARD. HARTLEY IS AT THE PIANO, READY TO PLAY. JIM IS GLARING AT THE ACTORS.

Jim: this shouldn't be to hard. Repeat after me, now: it's just a jump to the left.

Actors: it's just a jump to the left.

Jim: and then a step to the right.

Actors: and then a step to the right.

Jim: now, can you actually do that? Nell's offered to help with cues.

Nell: I have!

Jim: the piano, Hartley.

WITH A NOD HARTLEY PLAYS THE SONG.

Nell: (screams) it's just a jump to the left!

EVERYONE TRIES THIS. ONLY NELL IS ON TIME WITH THE MUSIC. PAT RAY JULIE AND CHRIS JUMP TO THE RIGHT.

Nell: (screams) and then a step to the right!

AGAIN, NELL DOES IT CORRECTLY WHILE THE OTHERS FAIL TO VARYING DEGREES. RICHARD TRIPS PAT THOUGH STOPS HER FROM FALLING, RAY ACTUALLY FALLS FLAT ON HIS FACE, AND NELL KEEPS SCREAMING. ALSO, HARTLEY KEEPS PLAYING THE PIANO.

Nell: (screams) it's just a jump to the left!

Jim: scene! Cut! Whatever actors these days answer to!

EVERYONE FREEZES. EVEN HARTLEY STOPS PLAYING.

Jim: (softly)It's time for a lunch break. Let's go to the pub. I'll be needing a drink before more of this chaos.

EVERYONE ELSE NODS IN AGREEMENT.

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	19. Chapter 19

**Scene (during Blocking Rehearsals)** :

RAY AND JULIE ARE REHEARSING THE CHOREOGRAPHY FOR "TOUCH-A TOUCH-A", INCLUDING THE SINGING. HARTLEY IS PLAYING THE PIANO. EVERYONE IS VERY ENTERTAINED AND WATCHING INTENTLY.

Sue: oh. This is odd. I'm one to get offended by latest 'Carry On' films, mind... what am I doing here with such a show?

Jim: helping us make history. It's fascinating, don't you think, that we're doing this? How many other people doing something so strange?

Sue: yes, it is strange. I'm surprised he hasn't slammed her head into the floor yet.

Jim: they're professionals, that'll never happened.

Richard: Jim?

Jim: yes?

Richard: you like this show.

Jim: of course I do.

Richard: no, you hated the idea at first. It was a favor to a friend. Now you're having fun.

Pat: he's having fun, you're having fun, I'm having fun - we're all having fun.

Richard: I'm adding that to script!

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End file.
